Life isn’t easy as a new parent. There are many sources of stress and anxiety as life begins to settle down with your newborn. Here are some helpful tips to make that transition as smooth as possible:
- Leave the kid in the hospital. Sneak out the back door if possible.
- Drive away as fast as you can, though remember that the speed limits in Dublin city are often only 30 km/h.
- Ignore all calls from the hospital.
- Dye your hair a different colour to ensure you are unrecognisable.
- Burn off your fingertips and change your name.
- Pretend you were never pregnant. This is easier done with distant relatives than people you see everyday.
- Hide away in your house and wait for all of this to blow over. Draw the curtains and switch off all the lights. For an extra layer of protection, build a pillow fort.
- Greet any enquiry with: “Baby? What baby!?”
- Organise the mandatory escape to Peru within the first three days.
- Start a new life in the Andes.